Read Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour Online


NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Lisa Damour, Ph.D., director of the internationally renowned Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, pulls back the curtain on the teenage years and shows why your daughter’s erratic and confusing behavior is actually healthy, necessary, and natural. Untangled explains what’s going on, prepares parents for what’s to come, and lets them knoNEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Lisa Damour, Ph.D., director of the internationally renowned Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, pulls back the curtain on the teenage years and shows why your daughter’s erratic and confusing behavior is actually healthy, necessary, and natural. Untangled explains what’s going on, prepares parents for what’s to come, and lets them know when it’s time to worry. In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct—and absolutely normal—developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including • My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her, and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond? • Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone? • My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her? • Where’s the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder? • My teenage daughter wants to know why I’m against pot when it’s legal in some states. What should I say? • My daughter’s friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl’s mother to let her know? Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.Praise for Untangled“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.”—The Washington Post “Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.”—The Boston Globe “Damour offers a hopeful, helpful new way for parents to talk about—and with—teenage girls. . . . Parents will want this book on their shelves, next to established classics of the genre.”—Publishers Weekly“For years people have been asking me for the ‘girl equivalent of Raising Cain,’ and I haven't known exactly what to recommend. Now I do.”—Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of Raising Cain “An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It’s obvious that Dr. Damour ‘gets’ girls and understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face.”—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes “A gem. From the moment I read the last page I’ve been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents.”—Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee...

Title : Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood
Author :
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ISBN : 9780553393057
Format Type : Hardcover
Number of Pages : 352 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood Reviews

  • Janalee
    2019-03-13 10:06

    ATTENTION: REQUIRED READING FOR PARENTS OF TEEN GIRLSSuch valuable, valuable help from a therapist whose life work centers around providing counsel and working with thousands of teen girls and their parents. This book really calmed me down and made me think, Oh, it's ok. Oh, it's normal. I'll list out what I want to remember. Warning: Very long.*When they're complaining about something or dumping their emotions on you - just listen. They probably won't take any advice, but to be sure you can say, Do you want my help with what your describing or do you just want to vent? OR if you feel the probably needs to be put in better perspective you can say, I have a different take on the situation - do you want to hear it? It's normal for them to take out frustrations on the family or siblings or feel she has to "punish the family for her bad day". But if it's clear, she plans to be wretched, say "You may not be in a good mood, but you are not allowed to mistreat us. If you want to talk about what's bugging you, I'm all ears". *Externalization. Once the child dumps out her feelings, she's essentially giving them to you. You may, at this point, be more stressed and worried than she now is. Ex: Of college daughter who called her mom, crying and sharing misery about school. When she hung up, the daughter felt much better. But the mom was up all night worried about her daughter. The next day dad called and asked how daughter was and she was over it and just fine. Having unloaded on her mom all the uncomfortable feelings. It's a "strange, subtle process that helps make adolescence manageable". When this happens to parents, they may feel tempted to fix and solve and rescue. Answer: Do nothing.* Validate their feelings. "When feelings are minimized, girls turn up the volume to make sure they are heard. Once a girl believes her parents understand where she's coming from, she's usually willing to consider their advice or find her own solution". When you tell her to calm down about an issue, she may to appease you but you haven't really helped. Now she feels upset, dismissed and guilty. *Tears. Crying provides emotional relief. Don't shame them. Point out that relief results from a good cry. Other things to say when they're in distress and not responding to you, "Is there anything I can do that won't make this worse?" This communicates: You understand her distress is real, you aren't going to talk her out of her feelings, you're not afraid of them. When your daughter is in distress, she needs to hear your confidence that she will be ok. Social media: Before it was around, a teen going through a heartache or crisis would vent silently or to diaries. They might have written an angry, hurtful letter to the offender, but then after calming down, ripped it up. They had time to consider how they wanted to act on hurt feelings. Now, it's common to grab the phone desperately, when in distress, and start stirring up drama and retaliation and destruction. It provides short-term relief but also "sets the stage for more emotional distress" as the friends strike back later. Or instead of processing upset feelings, they turn to phones to numb and distract. When posting good news online, instead of savoring the happiness, now the girl must keep anxiously checking for likes and approval. One solution : Stave off ready access to social media as long as possible and limit the access so they can "learn to summon their own resources or us in-person support". Make sure she is involved in extra curriculars or support hobbies so she can excel and derive confidence that isn't based on social approval.*Better to be too strict than too permissive. You can always loosen the grip over time, but it's much harder to reign in once you've been too permissive and see the error. They want lines drawn and like to push against them. If they don't find friction with adults on minor things - dark lipstick, offensive music, weird clothes, undone chores - they may move to more risky behavior as they wonder where the boundaries are. It's terrifying to think that nobody is watching out for them. Go ahead and engage on the small stuff (loud music, sassy mouth), don't let it slide or the lines keep getting pushed out farther.*Risky behavior: instead of lecturing the child on why she shouldn't spend the night at a boy's house, for example, assume she has a wise, mature side and speak to that part of her, "You and I both know the risks"...the natural consequences of what could happen, rather than attacked her judgment and behavior. They need to focus, not on escaping adult detection, but the real dangers they might face. When they reveal classmates risky behavior -don't react with shock and say, That's awful! I'd ground her if she was my daughter!. Rather, enlist her, "can you help stop her from doing that? I'd hate for her to get hurt or kill herself or someone else". When parents threaten their kids - "If I ever caught you doing that..!" they are hoping to scare her straight. Better to calmly discuss the natural consequences and risks otherwise you're just starting a game of "Better not get caught by mom". Frame the conversations in terms of the dangers not what will happen if she gets busted.*Shame vs. Repair - Shaming says, you are bad! Repairing says, You used bad judgment, but you can make it right again. This way teens learn from their mistakes and know there's a way back. Shame festers inside and leads to more long-term problems.*Be aware that many teen boys are consuming explicit porn and expecting this is normal and seek to try out what they've seen online. "The romantic landscape around her has been altered". They have a lot of pressure to send nudes and do other sexual favors. Talk to your teen about this inappropriate behavior on the guys part and empower them. They may roll their eyes, but they like hearing that she's not a prude because she doesn't participate. This behavior from the boys should make them angry, not consider that it's normal and acceptable.*Caring for herself. (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, weight problems) Example given of girl who got drunk on hard liquor and blacked out at party. Instead of the therapist peppering, how much did you drink, did you black out, how often... she had one question that served her well, "Are YOU worried about your drinking?" with the right noncritical/nonjudgmental tone, you can side with her mature side to see if there is reason to be concerned about her ability to care for herself. and "Where do you want to go from here?" Raise topics of things you heard on the radio. Point out that the government doesn't ban drugs because they hate fun or want to keep officers busy, talk about the hazards and additive nature and science. *Planning for the future. Power struggles over homework (US!) "Never get into a power struggle when the teen holds all the power. They have almost total control and you have none". We wonder why would a teen sabotage her future. Some lack maturity to see it this way. They may want to prove their parents don't have power over them. They don't see they are closing off options to their future selves that may care at that point, even if they don't now. Choices have consequences. Usually the consequence is too far in the future for the teen to take seriously now, parents need to shorten the distance to the consequences AND move out of the role of homework supervisor. "We hate to see you shutting down options you may want to have at the end of HS. We know you like to go out to parties and concerts with your friends, but those things require maturity and good judgment. You're not showing maturity at school, so we're not doing our job as parents if we let you go into risky situations without proof that you don't have good judgment. Show us your maturity and we'll let you exercise that maturity when you spend time with your friends." Be careful that tones are hopeful and not hostile. You WANT your teen to have fun with friends, and it's up to her to choose that option. The plan isn't to persecute, it's to provide a small-scale version of how the real world works. Ask the educators on their take of your child's efforts. They are often in the best position to assess their performance.*Monitoring schoolwork: When you closely monitor schoolwork and don't them them falter, stepping in to help them, it keeps the girls from growing/progressing. "We know you're disappointed about your grades, we see you haven't been taking charge of your schoolwork. We are happy to connect you to resources at school, but trust you'll figure out what you need to do differently...". Fixed vs growth mindset: If she doesn't make the squad or get the part, don't commiserate and say, I know, I never made the squad either, boo hoo. Or, They picked THAT girl to play instead of you!! You're way better! This fixed mindset "reassurance" backfires. Don't try to salvage their self-esteem by telling them they are special or great at other things. This makes them feel like a helpless victim. Rather, tell them they've come a long way and they'll keep growing with practice. It's crummy to lose, but now you know what you need to do to be better and you can choose to work on that for next time. Coupling these works with warm reassurance in your tone will help them feel better. Praise effort not smarts.OK, I'm out of typing juice. I need to go make flashcards to pull out of my purse at any given moment as I raise these two tempestuous teenage girls currently residing in my household.

  • Paul
    2019-03-19 07:05

    My first reaction after reading this book was, "OMG MY KIDS ARE GETTING OLD ENOUGH FOR ME TO READ THIS BOOK" followed by 30 minutes of weeping.But seriously, if the thought of teenagerhood daunts you, or if you, like us, have a girl who isn't a teen yet but has started acting in ways where the old methods have stopped working, this is really a terrific book. It's clear-eyed, calm, real. It doesn't sugarcoat the pressures and conflicts that come with raising a teen, but it also gives parents realistic ways to handle them. So is this book worth reading if you're about to plunge into the world of raising adolescents? How would I know? Ask me in 10 years! But from my perspective, as someone who is only just now beginning to think about that stage, this book provided a lot of practical and useful advice, as well as a sobering and, yes, sometimes scary reality check. I've never been particularly pessimistic about the notion of being a parent to teenagers, but nevertheless I found Lisa Damour's book helpful in easing my mind and giving me confidence that my wife and I can actually do this when the time comes.

  • Lorilin
    2019-03-08 05:25

    In Untangled, Lisa Damour discusses seven transition phases that girls experience as they progress from childhood to adulthood. The phases are relatively self-explanatory. They are 1) parting with childhood, 2) joining a new tribe, 3) harnessing emotions, 4) contending with adult authority, 5) planning for the future, 6) entering the romantic world, and 7) caring for herself. These phases aren't necessarily experienced at specific ages in one specific order, but Damour's outline of them does offer a general guide for how most girls mature.Damour helpfully illustrates and clarifies her points with engaging and realistic anecdotes, many taken from her years of experience working as a psychiatrist and director at Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls. The stories are interesting and easy to relate to, which I appreciated.I think the most powerful aspect of Untangled, though, is Damour's ability to talk about this potentially tense subject in a straightforward and honest way while also remaining patient with and kind to both young girls AND their parents. She's fair. And forgiving. She doesn't take sides, and her attitude stays flexible. "When it comes to parenting," she says, "there are many, many ways to get it right." Even when she is encouraging parents to have, discuss, and enforce boundaries with their daughters, she also asks them to be understanding and open. In other words, her approach is collaborative--and it made sense to me.Ultimately, Untangled ended up being an informative read. I learned a lot--and I calmed down a lot, too, honestly. Damour is so very soothing and so completely confident that we are all capable of figuring out this madness and working through it. I couldn't help but feel consoled, uplifted, and strengthened by the book's message.

  • MelissaI
    2019-02-23 11:08

    I haven't done any updates for this book because for my purposes, it wasn't one in which I had time to read from front to back. I needed and will continue to need to refer to the sections which for the needs of my girls and how I can help them as well as the three of us together. Fantastic book and one I'll refer to often even if it may be too late. I pray to God it's not and I cannot thank @Goodreads @RandomHouse #BallantineBooks and the author Lisa Damour for this gift. A genre/self help book I've been in need of for far too many years. So many choices out there and after trying to do it on my own, not knowing which books to randomly pick from Amazon, I was so incredibly blessed to have won this. The moment I saw I had, my hand flew up to cup my mouth and I gasped and then I cried and I cried and cried a lot more in thanks to have been given this opportunity. I love love love all book genres, however I'm in crisis mode and this was very much needed. It had to have been meant to be. Seriously, I kept saying thank you out thank while I was crying, as if anyone part of this book and giveaway could me. Grateful is an understatement. This book is written in a novel format. No side bars or boxes, no checklists, that I saw in the topics I went to, but the author weaves general topic discussion with scenarios/stories she's heard and finally practical reasons and solutions are given. I obviously have to wait and see if these solutions make the change that's needed and I have a feeling they will. They're solutions, but anyone's solutions can be expanded on as we know our situations best, but this is a fantastic start and help. So to all the parents out there going through all the ups and downs, ripping your hair out, screaming inside like you're ready to explode and cried more tears than you'd think one could possibly have inside them than I high;y recommend this book!!! Being a parent is 'the' most incredible blessing anyone can experience. It's also the most painful at times. It always amazes me how the love for a child, no matter their age, can be both absolutely everything beautiful and at the same time be equally heartbreaking. The teen years didn't come with a manual and my kids are extraordinary, however we all have our moments and getting through these years intact and/or fixing what's been so shattered is all that matters. There is nothing more important than our kids. Nothing more precious so if you're in a situation or not.....grab this book. What headed our way.....we never saw it coming. Be prepared....Please refer to the table of contents I shared for others having the same battle looking for the right book, the best book for you and your kids. I wish I had had somebody point me in one direction years ago, but I wasn't so I hope it helps you. It is a stepping stone worth the read and putting into practice what the author is sharing. Do it for your kids because even though they can say the cruelest things, things that would make any parent "End it all" <-----not literally, inside they're just kids trying to find their way, hurting deeply inside and many times, even if you're bond is very strong, there are many things they will not share so pay attention and make sure they know they're loved unconditionally. Give your babies (not so little anymore) what they desperately need.....guidance, acceptance, and love. Unconditional Love.....This book is a wonderful tool to work with in seeing and helping through so much subject matter. Now go grab this book and go show your kids how much they're loved. Even tough love in needed, but not too tough. Compassion, listening and just being there without the anger flying in both directions is what they need. Best to all. ~*For The Love Of Our Children*~ give them your timeI haven't finished reading this, however I've been flipping through it back and forth so I'm not ready to mark it as read or rate it yet, soon just not quite yet ready for a fair rating, but this is exactly the kind of book I've been asking around for, for nearly five years. What I pray for is that it's not too late. I searched exhaustingly and asked everyone always with no replies, then I was so lucky to have won this from the Goodreads program. There so many books out there on this subject and most can't afford to play guessing games on which to choose. I hope with all my heart that it's not too late to fix things, undue the damage from circumstances and teen years and that is exactly why I'm about to share what I'm sharing below. I'm sharing this now because I don't want 'any' parent to search for five years while things are falling apart out of control and face the "too late possibilities". Below is the table of contents from the ARC so it is subject to change, but if this post helps even one person find a book which may be exactly what they've been searching for, in order to help save and mend a family.....that's all that matters. Just a quick glance to see if the topics suit you without going on a forever search for the right book. As soon as I received it and read the tablets contents, I was so elated and found hope in what I was about to embark in healing, prevention and intervention. I can't give page numbers as they're not listed in the ARC, but I hope this helps: (again please remember this is from an ARC so some things will be different)Product DetailsHardcover: 352 pagesPublisher: Ballantine Books (February 9, 2016)Language: EnglishISBN-10: 0553393057ISBN-13: 978-0553393057Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.5 inchesOne: Parting with ChildhoodThe cold ShoulderAllergic to QuestionsSurprisingly MeanThe Swimming PoolTotally Competent , Except for When She's NotBlooming, Reluctantly Smoke Without Fire Parting with Childhoods: When to Worry*The Female Peter Pan *Rushing Into AdulthoodTwo: Joining a New TribeThe Pull of Popular Tribal WarfareFrenemies If Your Tribe Jumped Off a Bridge.....When Tribes Need EldersSocial (Media) SkillsJoin a New Tribe: When to Worry*Social Isolation*Being Bullied*Being A BullyThree: Harnessing EmotionsYou: The Emotional Dumping Ground I'm Upset, Now You're UpsetBefriending DistressCatalytic Reactions Coping By Posting How To Become an Accidental Helicopter Parent Harnessing Emotions: When to Worry*Recognizing Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Disorders *Self-Destructive CopingFour: Contending with Adult AuthoritySeeing Behind the Curtain The End of "Because I Said So"Framing Danger Rupture and Repair Crazy SpotsAdults with FaultsHolding The LineContending with Adult Authority: When to Worry *Too Good to Be True *Constantly Contending *Adults Contending with Each OtherFive: Planning for the FutureImpulses, Meet the Internet The Road to the Future: Who Drives?Making the Grade Tense About TestsPlanning for Next WeekDealing with Disappointment Planning for the Future: When to Worry*All Plan and No Play*No Plan in SightSix: Entering the Romantic WorldA Dream Deferred A Match Made in A Marketing Meeting Offering Some Perspective The Inner CompassDating For CreditBeing Gay: The Slur and the RealityEntering the Romantic World: When to Worry*The Tributaries and the Lake*April-June RomancesSeven: Caring For HerselfNodding Without ListeningGirls, Food, and WeightSleep vs. Technology Getting Real About DrinkingStraight Talk About DrugsSex and It's RisksCaring for Herself: When to Worry *Eating Disorders*Not Ready to LaunchConclusionAcknowledgements NotesRecommended ResourcesIndexThere is most definitely something and a lot in this book for everyone with kids of every age. Again, I've skimmed, but I thought it would be great to post the "contents" for everyone who may be looking for books like this and the specifics at a glance, as well as contemplating this book in particular. I really hope this helps. God knows I needed it years ago before the destruction of what is now, became.......Best to all!! Thank you to #Goodreads #RandomHouse #BallantineBooks and the author #LisaDamourPh.D. For this book, which I received through the Goodreads First Reads Program, for my honest thoughts. More to came as I read. My situation is one in which I'm not reading from front to back. I'm in need of picking out pertinent topics and zoning in on those right now. Amazon order links (release date set for February 16, 2016):Hardcover:

  • Amanda
    2019-03-15 09:58

    I received an ARC of Untangled as a Goodreads giveaway. This book is an invaluable and comprehensive resource for parents of preteen and teenage girls. Dr. Damour clearly defines the seven strands of adolescence and specifically tailors this book for raising girls. This is important because the rate of development is unique for girls and the issues that affect girls differ in many ways from those that affect their male counterparts. Dr. Damour offers deep insight into the teen female psyche. One interesting difference between boys and girls is the way they deal with failure. Girls tend to internalize failure and blame themselves whereas boys tend to blame the failure on an external factor. Dr. Damour is clear and easy to understand with her use of psychological terminology. She draws upon many real-life experiences from her practice. After discussing each transition, she has a "when to worry" section to help alert parents to danger signs and abnormal behavior because it's normal for teenagers to be all over the map.Only occasionally did the suggested dialogue sound a little unrealistic or too clinical, but I agreed with her straightforward approach and her tools for communicating with adolescents. I agreed mostly with her general advice with the exception of slight contention with the "Entering the Romantic World" chapter. Having not yet gone through the experience of raising a teenage daughter, I feel much more prepared now to face that challenge. I learned with conflicted emotions about first stage of parting with childhood where the teen pulls away from the family to form a new tribe composed of friends. I found Dr. Damour' swimming analogy touching. A parent is like the safety wall of a pool. Children swim out into the water but sometimes need to hold on to a parent to catch their breath and then inevitably push off again. It is important for the parent to be that "soft place" and not take the rejection to heart. Another chapter that I found completely fascinating was the one dealing with social media and the dangers for young girls. The author addresses the fact that girls post when they have the need to feel connected or are feeling marginalized and typically post hasty responses without having time to cool off. I think this is a chapter that would benefit even adults. I would like to conclude my review with a simile that Dr. Damour used for girls. She likens them to a lake and stresses the importance of having many tributaries to keep them full and healthy.

  • Sera
    2019-03-18 08:06

    This book provides a comprehensive overview of 7 states of development in adolescent girls. I found the information to be valuable, and in each chapter, the author discusses what's normal and then ends with a "When You Should Worry" section. Although filled with much practical advice, I felt that the author to some extent was inconsistent in regard to her parenting approaches. Moreover, I felt that there was so much nuance in how to handle these matters that it appeared as if only a professional like herself could work through the myriad issues that teenage girls face. These things made me feel less confident in my ability to parent in those areas than how I usually feel after reading other parenting books. I am still a few years out before most of stuff kicks in at home so I'll continue to learn more about the subject. Even so, I would recommend this book as a good place to start for parents.

  • Joshua Buhs
    2019-02-28 11:19

    Pray for me: I'm the father of a 12 year old daughter.This book is a helpful, though not groundbreaking, book meant to guide parents through the undeniable difficulties of raising girls into strong women at the beginning of the 21st century. Damour's approach is generally progressive, feminist, and self-reflective, realizing that a lot of the ways we socialize girls and teach them to be polite are also the ways we instill stereotypes. All useful fodder for thought. She brings in some brain science, and mostly dismisses the notion that hormones play much of a role in girls's behaviors, but the neurology is light--which I think is good, since explanations on brain biology, in my opinion, usually far exceed the actual science.She identifies seven strands of maturation--she is clearly building on the work of Anna Freud, Piaget, and Ericson, though her strands are not really crises that have to be negotiated as much as skills to be learned. The gist is that adolescence is much like toddlerhood, with girls (and boys) unevenly learning what they need for the next, more independent stage of their life. Again, these are helpful ways to think about the growing-through-adolescence of young women. The book's structure, however, vitiates some of its utility.Each chapter, by an large, is devoted to one of the strands of maturation. Though subdivided, the chapters mostly lack landmarks and signs for the reader, and are very heavy on the examples and narration. Damour has an easy style, so it's not an arduous read by any stretch, but it is difficult to find the points she wants to make and see them all laid out. The end of each chapter is devoted to signs to watch for, but these are generally so vague--usually just extreme forms of the behaviors she is discussing--that they are not particularly helpful.As she outlines it, the strands are:Parting with childhood: girls are learning to become independent, though they are not adept, and use their parents as anchor points in their exploration--which often leads to conflict, as they yo-yo back and forth between competence and independence and need for support. (What to worry about: either not becoming independent, or doing so too quickly.)Joining a new tribe: girls at are looking for friends to help them into adolescence, which means breaking with earlier friends and finding new ones. Damour is of the opinion that a girl with even one good friend is fine. She notes that these new friendships can be difficult--do girls try to be popular (she notes that popular girls are also often not liked: they are seen as powerful, but not friendly)? How closely do they stick together? The parents role is to allow this new exploration and remind the girl of their best selves, and that they should want a tribe that allows them to express it. Parents actually have very little power here, and the best they can do is to make sure that whatever friends the girl chooses, she continues to meet the expectations of the family (such as not blowing off grades for friends). Girls will have interpersonal drama, and it is not the job of the parent to step in and solve the problems. (When to worry: no friends, being bullied, bullying.)Harnessing emotions: As their world expands and their empathy increases, girls experience a lot more emotions, usually very intense. She says that the reasons so many girls act dramatically is because that is how they are experience the world, and so telling girls to calm down or reign it in comes across as slighting their reality. But it is hard for parents, because girls hold everything together during hectic days then dump it on their parents because they know they can let down there--emotional outbursts are a sign of trust. Sometimes they even try to harness their parents's emotions, make their parents mad or upset so that they do not have to be. The role of the parent is to accept that their daughter is going through these intense times and try to teach them how to appropriately respond to the emotions. (When to worry: clinical anxiety, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.)Contending with authority: As they enter adolescence, girls see that adults are far from perfect, and, indeed, are often hypocritical and sanctimonious. This makes girls very skeptical of adults. Damour advises parents to be willing to own some of their faults, and to start ceding some of their authority--or at least be willing to explain their positions, if not always willing to change their minds. Rather than making rules be about rules, she advises that parents explain why certain behaviors are dangerous, and offer that as an explanation for why the rule exists. (What to watch for: girls who never test authority, girls who do so always, and girls being used as pawns in arguments among adults.)Planning for the future: Adolescents, in general, are bad about planning for the future. Rather, they tend to be impulsive--which is especially bad in the era of social media, where impulses are immediately broadcast. Family policies for social media are important. Parents are sometimes better about seeing future decisions, but, again in this strand, frequently lack power, and so the ideal would be to couple a girls's decision making powers with her responsibilities--the more responsible she is, the more power she has to make other choices. There is likely, on the other hand, to be lots of anxiety about smaller issues--tests for example--and certain to be disappointments, as well. Once more, the idea isn't to tell the girl to get over it--to deny the anxiety or minimize the disappointment--but to validate the feelings, without letting them overwhelm her. Easier said than done. (What to watch for: over-planners and girls with no plans at all.)Romance: There's a Freudian aspect to this section: girls realize when they are young that romance is a special kind of relationship that they are not allowed to engage until they are older. Adolescence is when they get to finally explore. Damour emphasizes that despite many fears of adults, girls are generally slow to move into dating and not sure what being in a relationship even entails. She advises parents to remind them of their own inner compass. Damour is not judgmental about sex--she seems to approve of a high school senior who had no-strings-attached sex because it worked for the girl--but is aware that the double-standards in society can trap girls in stereotypes they might want to avoid. There is also a section on homosexuality. (What to worry about: dating older guys, girls whose only validation is through their looks or romantic relationships.)Self care: It is hard to gauge whether girls are ready to take care of a lot of their needs because they hide behind veils of obedience: nodding without really listening, and so being unprepared. Once we account for that, we might get a better sense of where are daughters are along this continuum. Damour emphasizes that, once more, parents do not have a lot of power along this strand, and that the issues are particularly difficult. There is the issue of weight and eating in the context of the media; she advises parents try to start conversations based around images on TV or in magazines. She notes that modern technology interferes with sleep; she also notes that girls will likely experiment with drugs, drinking, and sex, and straight ultimatums are likely to cause more problems than they would solve. It has to be a constant negotiation. (When to worry: eating disorders, unwillingness to take care of one's self.)There is a very short pro forma concluding chapter.Damour is good with metaphors, and I only wish these could have been tied to a book structure that was more broken into "how-to" sections and less about extended examples. Useful nonetheless.

  • Terri
    2019-03-22 10:23

    First, I must state that it is thanks to NetGalley that I received an ARC of this book in exchange for a fair and honest review. I read the book, than gave it to my close friend who has a very difficult relationship with her daughter. Also I thought the book might help me advise her through this rough patch. I was not disappointed and I thought the author did a excellent job. She shows the "why" of your teenager behavior and understanding how her mind works at this age. I think this is an important read to all mothers and fathers who are struggling at home and don't know how to handle their adolescent daughters. I highly recommend it.

  • Julie
    2019-03-20 08:05

    I found this book contained many useful, practical, real life insights and discussion points. I might need to go buy a copy, as I borrowed from a friend (thanks LEAH!) and think I will want to go back and refer to it from time to time as different things come up. It seemed common sense stuff, direct approach to topics in need of discussion and with workable examples.I think my favorite part was actually on the last page of the book "In other words, adolescence isn't about us. Well, except for the part about crazy spots, which is totally about us. But even there, even when we need to own our shortcomings as people and parents, we do so in the service of pointing our daughters away from us and into the world. We claim our crazy spots to say, 'Yes, I'm not everything you are hoping I'll be, but don't let that stop you or even slow you down. There's a world out there for you to tackle; try not to let my faults get in your way.'" (pg 280)If you have a daughter, I highly recommend AND read it early in their pre-teen, teen years.

  • Lisa
    2019-03-17 11:58

    This book is probably the most practical, down-to-earth explanation of female adolescence for a parent in today's world of electronic devices and social media. This book joins the pile of books to re-read every year until its memorized. There is so much the author unpacks about how girls think and why they act the way they do in the teenage years. And then Ms. Damour takes it further and gives practical advice on how to manage some of the behavior and keep my daughter's self-determination intact. Many times, people have warned me of the pitfalls of raising a teenage girl, but this book makes those pitfalls not so scary and very manageable. She gives real examples from her practice and her dissection of the psychology behind the examples allows for a level of layperson understanding that gives reason to advice such as "don't let yourself get pulled into the argument".

  • Alice
    2019-02-27 10:12

    I don’t have daughters, but I see teen girls in my therapy practice, and found this book very useful in understanding teenage behaviors and their developmental purpose. Most of the book was also very applicable to understanding my teenage boys. So much of the conflict I have experienced with my teens revolve around my expectations and their desire to become their own person. Understanding that me stepping back and creating an atmosphere where I recognize my lack of control in their lives has made it much easier to set boundaries and talk about safe, healthy, productive choices. Parenting teens can be a rocky ride, and I appreciated the insight this book provided into teenage behavior.

  • Barb
    2019-03-07 10:15

    This book notes some interesting studies, makes some very good points, includes some helpful analogies and shares excellent advice for parents raising teenage girls. It's nice to have someone frame teen behavior for us in the way the author does, because while we know teens need to exert their independence sometimes we fail to see their behavior in this light. The author clearly knows teenagers and covers all the salient points; sex, drugs and technology are of course addressed. The author offers lots of scripts for what parents can say to their child when a particular situation arises. I liked that she repeatedly makes the point that you don't want to set up your house rules without explaining the reason for the rules you set. The main reason for all the rules is that we love you and we don't want anything bad to happen to you . There are tips for talking very specifically with your girl about what the bad things are and how to plan ahead and hopefully avoid them. This book also includes more good information about how the pot of the past is not the pot of the present and while most people seem to think pot is no big deal the research doesn't support that, at least in developing brains. Another good book for parents of teens is 'The Teenage Brain' by Frances E Jensen. Both books are worthy of a place in the home library and will be helpful to parents as their children travel the road to adulthood.Thank you to the Amazon Vine Program and the publisher Ballantine Books for making the advance reader copy available to me.

  • Kelli Oliver George
    2019-03-14 05:24

    I listened to the audiobook version from the library. I really appreciated the frank, yet kind nature of the author. Some of the conversations are uncomfortable -- nobody wants to think of their teenaged daughter having sexual relations, yet as a parent, we need to be aware of the possibility and how we are going to support our daughters to help them achieve healthy relationships (regardless if they are sexual or platonic). I appreciated the chapters discussing ways to help our daughters be more assertive in expressing their needs and desires in relationships (again, not just sexual, but also platonic). Particularly, since we live in a society which actively discourages women to be assertive.I loved this book so much that I have purchased a hardcopy version for future reference.

  • Rachel
    2019-03-16 12:03

    My friend recommended that I read this book. When I asked where to get a copy, she said, "You need to own it!" Thanks, Em. Filled with the newest brain research and stories from Damour's professional practice and experiences as a school psychologist and mom, this book offers practical suggestions on how to parent adolescent and teen girls in the way that fits their brain development. My favorite advice is to frame conversations in terms of how to take care of themselves -- what to do with their own best interests in mind.I wrote notes in the margin, underlined, boxed important parts. This will certainly be a resource as my daughters grow through this stage.

  • Elaine
    2019-02-25 10:02

    This book is a MUST read for every parent with a tween or teenage girl. Dr. Damour works almost exclusively with teenage girls in her counseling practice and her love for teenage girls comes through in such a refreshing way (I'm tired of hearing people complain about teenage girls.) She covers seven transitional stages that all girls go through and helps parents navigate those transitions with respect and love. I listened to the Audible version and loved hearing her tone as she suggested what to say to your girl and especially how to say it. Highly recommended!!

  • Fatimah
    2019-03-11 08:16

    * I received this book in exchange for an honest review. *I liked this book. It had so may amazing points and strategies that I wished my parents would've known about. This book might be able to help me with my long term goal of becoming a Psychologist! I think that everyone should read this, especially women. Not only will you learn things about yourself but you will begin to understand the minds of young teens. You might even remember what you felt like at that age as well.

  • Lisa
    2019-02-23 13:05

    Very good book on parenting teen girls. I listened and will likely either re-read or re-listen. Great advice on many different issues. I recommend this for anyone with a preteen or teen girl.

  • Unauthorized Cinnamon McCann
    2019-03-03 07:24

    This was extremely useful for me as a parent of a 14-year-old girl who just started high school. My kid is bright, beautiful, and very capable, but she still struggles enough to make us worry for her. This book really illuminates how being a teenage girl is inherently a struggle, and really your daughter needs to experience some turmoil, baffling swings in maturity and judgment, love-hate parental interactions, friendship drama, skepticism of authority, and other challenging stuff. This is part of the work of becoming a self-sufficient, healthy adult. I appreciate this focus on normal development and the fact that normal can look and feel so irrational and scary sometimes. Raising a daughter can feel so frightening, overwhelming, and even depressing. It's quite consoling to be reminded that this is a crazy, hard time for just about every girl. Even in areas where I finished a chapter and said, "Yeah, I was already knocking it out of the park on that!" it was nice to have reassurance!While the focus is on normal development, each section has a brief discussion of warning signs that your kid is outside the bell curve and could use some intervention. It's nice to have that barometer for the moments when you wonder if you need to bring in help.I would say this book is worth picking up just for three key takeaways that have stuck with me: the metaphor of parent-as-pool-edge (sometimes she needs to be able to hold onto you, and sometimes she needs to push off away from you), the explanation of externalization of negative emotions (kid unconsciously finds a way to make YOU feel the anxiety or upset she can't cope with), and the Veil of Obedience (certain parental behaviors are more likely to inspire a nod-and-smile response where none of your precious wisdom gets taken seriously). I thought this did fairly well on the "woke" front: it includes LGBTQ+ relationships in its treatment of romance, leaves a neutral door open on how to talk about your particular values surrounding alcohol, drugs, and sex without assuming what those values are, and though there's a brief mention of the supposed danger of obesity, the overall thrust is quite skeptical of dieting and good about emphasizing girls' bodies as vehicles for their own fulfillment rather than pretty objects.

  • Sara
    2019-03-21 06:18

    What a great and absorbing read, filled with clinical and peer-reviewed research to buttress claims. Damour, who has a PhD from Michigan in clinical psychology (and was a Yale grad) figures out exactly the right level to pitch her well-informed treatise on adolescent girls. She argues that girls go through seven stages in their transitions into adulthood and many of those stages felt very familiar to me -- for which I was grateful, actually, because sometimes I worry I have the only crazy teen around (though my crazy teen is pretty darned great, which is another reason I loved this book -- this is not a "survival guide to these awful teen years" but rather a really careful and honest look at an important time of life that can actually be a joy to guide a girl through, even with all of its challenges) -- "Parting with Childhood," "Joining a New Tribe," "Harnessing Emotions," "Contending with Adult Authority," "Planning for the Future," "Entering the Romantic World," and "Caring for Herself." Throughout, Damour offers strategies for coping and reacting and guiding that seem just right and helped me think through a bunch of situations before they happen, so I know just how to react. Got to use it in action recently, and it worked really well!! Molly rolls her eyes at me that I'm reading "a book about her," but I'm betting she secretly thinks it's pretty cool that I care enough to try to understand her. I highly recommend it (well worth the library fines I've incurred...ahem), for all of my friends with girls. Read it and let's get coffee (or wine) and chat!! (She mentions, positively, "Raising Cain" for boys -- anyone read it?)

  • Jessica
    2019-03-17 11:58

    I'm giving this book five stars even though I have yet to finish it (my library copy was due and I'm waiting to buy it until it comes out in paperback). The few chapters I read were insightful and useful. I want to write down all of her wonderful suggestions of "phrases to try" in the thick of emotionally fraught communication with our sometimes inscrutable kids. Her tone throughout is conversational and supportive without being preach-y. It feels like talking with a really wise and well-read friend who has been through this before. Someone who loves your kid but also is supportive and sincere and understanding about how hard the parenting part can be. I look forward to having my own copy to highlight and dog-ear and come back to over the years to come.

  • Gretchen
    2019-03-10 05:08

    My initially skeptical twelve year old ("You think a book from the library can tell you about me?") is the one who kept asking me to read this aloud. She kept up a pretense of calling it "the silly book," but we both knew she was enjoying insight into what's starting to happen to her emotionally and what makes older teens crazy, in her mind. We skipped much of the section on drugs, which she found boring and irrelevant, and some of the description of sex acts that I thought would be alarming for her and more than she's ready for, but otherwise read the whole thing together. Helpful, especially some of the suggestions for framing certain difficult conversations and also the "when to worry" sections as a guide to what's beyond the bounds of normal adolescence.

  • Ami
    2019-02-26 05:57

    This book was eye opening, engrossing, and life changing. I thought the writing was warm and personable- almost like chatting with a really smart friend who has all the answers.Channeling the author’s respectful strategies towards teenage girls, I diffused two growing arguments with my own daughter this week and recognized how I need to give her greater autonomy. (No easy feat for a slight control freak like me.)I plan on buying this book because the occasional reread will only help me parent better.This is the best book about teenage girls I have ever read. Seriously.

  • Cara Devine
    2019-02-25 08:11

    This book came recommended from a learned friend who is a teacher and someone who has worked with children for years and is also working to raise a daughter. I thought this book was excellent and wish I could have read it 10 years ago. The tricky part of parenting is that you always have the desire to protect and take care of your children. In adolescence, their main desire becomes independence and you have to shift your thinking in order to help them achieve this, along with helping them become able to care for themselves; eating, sleeping, healthy relationships, meaningful work.

  • Mehrsa
    2019-03-01 12:26

    This is a really practical and wise approach to parenting teens. They have to unhook from the family and parents have to let them unhook without pushing them or taking it personally. She gives a lot of great stories and advice. Really parenting advice in general--don't make it about you. Be firm and impose consequences but don't get your ego into it. Another great book is conscious parenting, which has been my go-to mantra--let them be and don't control their growth.

  • Heather Alderman
    2019-02-28 08:19

    The author presented her "advice" in an intelligent, non-preachy, no scare tactics kind of way. I particularly liked her analogy of a teenager's parent being the wall of a pool as the teen goes deeper and deeper into the pool exploring the water, the parent is on the side to hold on to when needed.

  • Ally
    2019-03-18 10:58

    I finally finished this book last night. I think it was actually kind of interesting to read this book from a child's perspective versus as from an adults. Now when I find myself in a bad mood I often think back to different chapters that I have read. This book was actually pretty interesting and if you are a psychology nerd like me I recommend. ;D

  • Ashleigh Wells
    2019-03-17 06:18

    Great book to read if you are raising a young girl. We are just at the edge of the teen years and much of what was covered was relevant even before we get there. It helped me feel more confident as a parent and to learn ways to support our daughters as they grow and change. Highly recommend!!

  • Julia
    2019-02-27 06:22

    This is one of the best parenting books I've read IN YEARS. The author focuses on important areas like harnessing emotions, planning for the future, etc and talks about what's normal, how to face challenges, and how to be aware of more serious problems. I immediately handed it to my husband after finishing it.

  • Sarah
    2019-02-28 06:09

    HelpfulI really enjoyed the author's perspective of female adolescence, especially the idea that you should worry if your daughter never rebels or pages back against authority. It helped put even some of my own teenage years in a different light.

  • Regina Rankin
    2019-03-05 12:16

    I highly recommend this book for anyone with young daughters! My daughters are preteen and elementary ages so I paid attention with an eye towards the future, but parents with teenage daughters who are in the thick of these stages can get real-time advice and guidance from the information in this book (I came to think of it as the manual I've been searching for!)